"Wait," thought I, "that's not... they... oh my god they actually have!"

"My name is Hiro Nakamura. I'm from the future. I have a message for you."

Whoa. I totally cannot stop watching Heroes.

Yeah, so obviously I heard about Heroes ages ago, and I watched some of the first episode a while back, and I remember being strangely unimpressed. It was like, one of those American sci-fi-y dramas that fill up Sky One but which I never watch, and you could tell that it didn't have the sheer awesomeness of Lost. (For Lost is still pleasingly awesome.)

But spurred on by Shaun and the fact that I keep missing it when it shows on the Sci-Fi Channel I downloaded Episode 2 and whoa, it's actually kinda clever! It has multiple Lost-style "Wait, it can't possibly be... whoa... shit, that's mad!" moments per episode. And the second episode has an ending to rival the best of Lost (after you've just had enough time to take in one realisation, another one hits you and you're like "whoa, shit, that's mad!"). Also, Hiro's Japanese is almost-understandable.

I have episode three ready and waiting to watch. But I can't, because I need to sleep. Big driving test tomorrow! Yeah. Um. I just hope I get a nice easy route. Which I won't. And... oh it's all too hard. I don't wanna learn to drive. It's stupid. Bah.

I want my flashcart. I have Mario Kart DS, Elite Beat Agents and Hotel Dusk all ready to roll, as well as Episode 11 of Lost converted to play on it.

It may not be Phoenix Wright, but this The Verdict programme, with a jury of well-chosen celebrities judging a fictional rape case in an otherwise real court is rather fascinating.

"I sleep in the daytime
I sleep in... the... n-night time...
This ain't no party
This ain't no disco
This ain't no lovey-dovey"

I'm watching Young@Heart on Channel 4. Old people. Singing Talking Heads. It's oddly beautiful.

"Now on Channel 4 is "X-Rated: The TV They Tried to Ban". This programme contains strong language throughout and images that may disturb some viewers. It also contains nudity and material of a violent and sexual nature. This programme also contains religious references that may cause offence to some viewers and it contains scenes of an autopsy."

...right, that's the whole shebang then...

Wait, wait, I just worked out Lost! I WORKED IT OUT!!!!1

And like, whoa, what an ending.

Anyway, here's my latest and greatest creation:

Remember that mturk thing from ages ago, where Amazon basically gave us free money? You frittled it away on lollipops and candy machines, but I saved my $56, and in under two weeks the Lost: Season Two DVD box set comes out in the US. And it's absolutely free for me. (Of course, by the time it gets to me it'll be about a week from release over here, and everyone else has already just downloaded it all, but man! Lost Season 2! For nowt!

Hurrah! The televised adaptation of A Very British Coup is on TV. I read the novel a while ago for some reason, and it was very good. It's a depressing tale about a hypothetical 1980s Britain where a very left-wing, socialist Prime Minister gets elected, and proceeds to try to do lots of lovely liberal things, but manages to naturally piss off the right-wing Establishment and the USA and so they conspire together to bring him down, and it's very depressing but very clever the way they conspire and bring together a web around him to get his government to fail. Ironically, of course, if it was about a democratically-elected right-wing government being brought down I'd be cheering. Tcha.

The fat one from Peep Show (David Mitchell, who apparantely looks like me, except he doesn't) is on Have I Got News For You, and he's genuinely the funniest guest in a long while. I predict big things for him, I hope.

I wanted to write some important words, but I can't think of them. Damn. I know they were vaguely important.

Anyway, Railroad Tycoon 3 is continuing to eat up my time, but it's just so damn satisfying when you buy access rights in Britain and you have to build three stations in London alone and have regional diesel trains running from Nottingham and Norwich and Brighton into London Central before transfering to Trans-Euro electric trains across the Channel to Paris. Or when shortly afterwards you finish electrifying the track all the way from London to Paris and then through Brussels and Hamburg to Berlin, so you can run the high-speed Trans-Euro trains across the continent. Or building ever-so-slowly from Salt Lake City to Carson City, Nevada, before taking out $5 million in bonds to build a huuuge tunnel through the Rockies to Sacramento and on to San Francisco. It's train nerd heaven, it is. I've been running my Big Boy 4-8-4 into a tunnel, I have.

Lost continues to excite, with finally, some answers! Or rather, a short video that makes you think "Ah, oh, wait... hmm... ah, I wonder if... maybe that's the... hmm..." And stuff that Shaun (that cheatin' bastard) said makes me think "Aha, so maybe it's..." and it makes me itch for the rest of the damn series. Earlier I considered the possibility that I actually hate Lost, but it keeps me hooked with it's painfully slow issue of answers (just like Half-Life 2 and Neon Genesis Evangelion) and cheap tricks of suspense. But then I realised that I do love it for it's unconventionalness and some of the characters are cool. I totally heart Locke. He reminds me of me, all lost and alone and scared and trusts no one. Or something.

Hmm.

There is a new comedy programme on called fonejacker, which I shouldn't enjoy because it is about prank calls and I automatically hated the adverts for Crank Yankers on ITV2 which luckily no one watched and TV shows about pranking people are generally not funny. But this is actually cleverly done and isn't cruel to people (you laugh at the pranker, not at the receiver) and it has clever graphics which make me smile. (e.g. "I'll be reporting this call to the police." **picture of Police (the band), for no reason**)

"How much for one doovde, one liccid toove?"

"We bought a brass lamp from you. We gave it a clean, and a genie popped out."
"Uhhh...

...

ok."

Also, I have my Biology practical in a week and I'm totally lost and I don't know what the practical is, really, and I haven't done the plan, which is probably the place to start, but I don't know where to start the plan and stuff, and I seem to have missed the lesson where they actually told me that there was coursework and so, uh, I'm fucked. Also the exams are coming up, and I really don't know the stuff, and, so, uh, I'm fucked.

However, luckily for me, everyone always reckons they'll do badly at their exams and they end up doing better than they expect. However, things are complicated because I don't know what to expect, and I want A's but I don't know if that's realistic at all, or whether I should think I'm getting C's and end up getting B's, or whether I really will suck like I did on my Psych exam and get D's. Because, to be honest, I don't know anything about the subjects, and that's generally not a positive sign.

And I hate exams. I hate the way they draagggg onnn, and unlike everyone else in the room I stare and the clock and think "dammit, speed up so I can run out of time and not have to think/write about anything". I particularly hate the essay questions, because I can never do them and I can never think of anything, so I just spike the ball until the clock runs down (American Football metaphor, see). And if there's one point where you don't want to spike the ball, it's when you're down by a touchdown on the opponent's 5 yard line and it's 1st and goal. I mean, the exam is not the place to sleep. Plus, I have like six hours of exams in a day, which will be murder. And I don't know any of it.

It is the time of the year where all teenagers start to angst and post lonely, melancholic lj entries about slashing their wrists. I don't understand how that helps the problem, really.

Oh, and I'm not running. Because it hurts and I can't find the time. Which sucks.

Lost series 2! Lookin' good, it is.
Claire: Jack, you left here three years ago to find some shelter. Where have you been?
Jack: Well, well, you see, Locke found a hatch in the ground. We... we decided to blow it open, so we could hide everyone inside.
Claire: No, Jack, that's the plot to Episode 1 of Series 2 of Lost. Where have you really been?
Jack: ...I've been trying to secretly rape Hurley.

The Matrix Reloaded is on the Other Side, and it's still as good as I remember (i.e., kinda good) but the CGI Neo fighting the Smiths has really aged badly. It looks... well... fake.

I am beginning to wish more and more that I was Jewish and spoke like Dr Zoidberg. Oy! Actually I have started speaking like him, talking in the third person and celebrating myself immodestly. And talking about "the rohbuht." Ah, he's so cool.


"And I'm [Santa Claus's] friend Jesus!"

Fry: "Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks thin."
Dr. Zoidberg: "You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?"

"I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon."

Dr. Zoidberg: [sees a guinea pig on a plate] "What's this? Two meals in one week?"
[Zoidberg devours the live guinea pig, and is trapped behind a glass box]
Dr. Zoidberg: "Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked me!"

"As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays but not be destroyed by them: Earth. So all over the world couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg. And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray."

It's 5:36pm. The Paul O'Grady Show is on ITV1. The New Paul O'Grady Show is on Channel 4. The Paul O'Grady Show is on ITV1. The New Paul O'Grady Show is on Channel 4. The Paul O'Grady Show is on ITV1. The New Paul O'Grady Show is on Channel 4. The Paul O'Grady Show is on ITV1. The New Paul O'Grady Show is on Channel 4. The Paul O'Grady Show is on ITV1. The New Paul O'Grady Show is on Channel 4. The Paul O'Grady Show is on ITV1. The New Paul O'Grady Show is on Channel 4. The Paul O'Grady Show is on ITV1. The New Paul O'Grady Show is on Channel 4. The Paul O'Grady Show is on ITV1. The New Paul O'Grady Show is on Channel 4. The Paul O'Grady Show is on ITV1. The New Paul O'Grady Show is on Channel 4. The Paul O'Grady Show is on ITV1. The New Paul O'Grady Show is on Channel 4.

Happy birthday, plastic_venus_!

So like, if you were making a Star Wars TV series, what would it be about? As a certified Star Wars nerd, I'd say maybe make it about a squad of Republic clone commandos fighting in the Clone Wars and getting into all sorts of crazy and exciting situations with lots of SFX. Or a elite squad of Rebel operatives travelling around the galaxy fighting the Empire in crazy new situations every week. Or the adventures of a rookie Old Republic Jedi Knight, travelling around the galaxy fighting injustice in crazy new situations every week.

But no, it's going to be about the early years of Luke Skywalker. And won't star any of the original cast, probably. So imagine a really annoying teenage Luke Skywalker walking around in the Tatooine desert getting in dull and annoying adventures every week. That, or totally screwing up the continuity.

Oh George, why do you keep tormenting us.

Anyway, you aren't updating. Why not? Tell me now, and I'll award you with a plastic bag of candy bars.

Ohh this is hilarious. I shouldn't laugh, but... there's a psychic who does alternative therapy for dogs. And has psychic conversations with dogs. The dog approves of expensive medicines, when questioned. The dog also offers to bark and make a paw signal to show when it wants some alternative therapy thing done to it, but mysteriously when asked to demonstrate what this paw motion is exactly fails to do anything.

Stolen from warren_ellis, because it just shows us how fine a writer he is:
"In the Chinese calendar, 2006 is The Year Of The Monkey Fucking A Football: ugly, stupid and uncomfortable all round. We have all returned to work, and are now surrounded once more by shuffling hordes of mongoloid wombshit who are jabbering at each other about non-things that would bore the shit out of an 8th Century turnip-farming peasant that had only met twelve people in their entire life while listening to "music" devised by rogue corporations in Frankensteinian laboratories using frontpeople who gave up their 21 grams of humanity in return for money and a halflife of three years on their vile little monoculture-badge herd-brand iPods."

On Saturday I saw Jarhead and was much impressed. I've read some reviews, and the major criticism is that you're waiting for the action to start and you just get bored, like the Marines in the film, because nothing happens for ages. But I didn't get that, because a) that's the point of the film, and b) plenty of stuff happens without the war on. And when the war does kick off, it's bloody mad stuff. Like when the A-10s fly overhead, and the cannon shots are going off with the surround sound and I flinched in my seat. And when they come across the highway full of bombed cars and charred bodies. And when they're wading through the smoke-filled desert around the oil wells and it's like, some intensely visual cinema. (I know that sentence doesn't make sense). Oh, and the ending, which reminds me of Half-Life 2 in that it has the balls to be an apparant anti-climax but when you think about it is far better than anything else they could have done. And the bit at the end, where it's showing us what everyone got up to after the war, and you see the Staff Sergeant guy back in Iraq in 2006, and with absolutely no mention of it, it just makes the point the whole movie was aiming for. I assume.

Hmph, Airport '79 is on, with one of those Scousers from the Fast Show? God, it's so olllddd. I bet they thought "Hey, it'll be so awesome and up-to-date if we put THE NUMBER OF THIS YEAR IN THE FILM'S NAME!" but now it just reminds us how it's like, 27 years old. Also, Airplane made all these films totally useless.

I'm pleased to see a televsion adaptation of Johnny and the Bomb. It's a good book. Mrs Tachyon!!11 Yo-less! Aw, you can't capture the inneffable spirit of Yo-less.

Ooh, I really like this new Doctor, don't you? Just slightly too much eccentricity and quirkiness and a good sense of humour and that dangerous streak. Also, on the post-programme set-top box interactive thingy he warns "If you change over to ITV tonight, there is a chance the Earth will explode." Plus an Arthur Dent reference.

Ah, t'has made my Christmas.

So I'm watching Lost, and I suddenly realise: this is really good. I'm not a huge fan, I OMG PERFECT DARK XBOX 360 TRAILER <3<3<3 JOANNA

...


sorry

as I was saying, I wouldn't call myself a huge fan, cus I haven't seen all the episodes and I don't watch them raptly, but it's just brilliant clever shizzle with great characters, and that's all that matters.

In other news, once again I find myself in the painfully hazy area between being told I have to write an essay and suffering the consequences for being late.

But eh.

I suppose I'm into the Live 8 spirit and all, though the horrible hypocrisy of it was summed up in the first five minutes:

Jonathan Ross: "Did you mingle with the crowd?"
Elton John: (offhandedly) "Oh, no, I flew in by helicopter."

Think I might go to Edinburgh like Sir Bob sez, cus it's like, I've got nothing better to do. Might be a laugh.